From the forest to the seeds

It’s hard to know where to begin. I’ve started more entries than I like to admit only to trash them hours, minutes, seconds later. Now I’ve realized I’ve be trying to tackle my experiences as a whole, as if I could relate everything from my 44 years of life in a few hundred words or less. I tend to see the end product before I can comprehend the pieces of the puzzle, overwhelming myself into inaction. There’s not much you can do with a forest until you break it down into the trees, then the leaves, then the seeds. You can make a great deal of progress if you have a bulldozer, I suppose, but that’s not my style. So, the seeds it is.

Much of what I’ve read about personality disorders comes from a high level, an overall generalization of what they are, lists upon lists stating things like “How to know you’re involved with a narcissist.” This is not what I’m aiming to convey here; what I’ve realized is that there aren’t as many accounts of how things can be on a daily basis when you live with and love such a disordered soul. There is so much in this type of relationship that becomes normalized that it becomes harder and harder to see your loved one’s actions as abuse. I hoping others can read my stories and recognize the patterns in their own lives that are ultimately holding them down. 

I am fortunate to have found a therapist who is able to lead me through this process. Unfortunately this is largely due to her own experiences with a narcissistic relationship but I know that I am many others, both men and women, have come to heal themselves because she is willing to share her truth. One thing she explained recently is that releasing yourself from an abusive relationship is a series of realizations; she has been out for over twenty years but still finds herself experiencing sparks of new knowledge and insight into that time. It is absolutely a process and a difficult one at that. If you’re like me you may become impatient with the time it takes to heal but it doesn’t happen in a day. I have to remind myself that this it is not a failure on my part that I ended up in this situation, nor have I failed if it takes years or even decades to put myself right. It’s okay, there’s time.

I think I will start the next entry by giving you a picture of who I am. My personality type and childhood experiences are fairly typical of those of others in the same position and I know that acknowledging this was a big step towards moving the blame from myself to the people upon whom it needs to rest.

I’ll return soon, perhaps even later today. Until then I wish you a bright start to your 2017 wherever you happen to be.

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