What lies ahead

My divorce isn’t the only thing going on in my life, though it touches every single part of who I am and what I do. I look forward to the day that I don’t have to think about it every single second but I don’t imagine that will be anytime soon. As such, it can be difficult to look toward the future with any sort of anticipation for the good things that are to come (Because please. PLEASE let there be good things to come!)

Right now it seems like most of the good things exist only my imagination, and while that can be fun and all it also frustrates and even angers me. As I look back to the time before I got married I find I dearly miss who I was then. Actually, I think I mostly mourn for the person I could have been had I not gotten sidetracked by the path I chose. Strangely, though I mourn I don’t regret, mainly because in time I’ve come to love and respect who I actually am.

(I feel so stilted as I write this; I’m not, not really. Reserved, I guess, but not always and certainly not how I imagine I’m coming across here. Give me time, I’ll loosen up.)

Lately my imagination has been bringing back memories of a man I met before my husband, someone I wanted to love but felt, at that time, I could not. Back then I believed I held myself back because my gut told me he was going to leave, for no other reason than that was what needed to happen for him next. As I look back now, I also remember that I also knew that I couldn’t be with him unless I was able to get over some of the shit I was carrying from my childhood. I felt so strongly that there was a lesson I needed to learn before I could open myself to him and it seemed better for us both if I took the chance that I would lose him completely. Now, I don’t know how he felt about me and the possibility that I’m romanticizing my memories of that time is absolutely undeniable, but I made the choice then to not even explore the relationship further in the chance it could be resumed later. I don’t know why I thought this would be possible, though I guess romanticizing works as well in the time being as it does in hindsight, right?

So, here’s what awesome about personality disorders: if you are raised by someone afflicted with one you are likely to either develop one yourself or seek to recreate the relationship. My husband did the former, I the latter. Together we became my lesson; I never would have imagined it would take eighteen years.

I made my husband leave our house six months ago. Not too long before that point I started having dreams about C regularly. I figured there was no harm in spending some dream time with someone I had enjoyed being with, that I wouldn’t mind being with again. Lately, though, the desire is stronger so I decided to contact him using a tiny overture in the form of a Facebook friend request. This was last week and so far no response. I’ve decided not to pursue him any further as, again, I don’t truly know how he felt about me then much less how he might feel now. In any case, it’s better that I leave things be; he knows where to find me.

Meanwhile, there’s still a matter of actually getting the divorce finalized, so I’m getting ahead of myself no matter how I look at it. It will be at least a month before we can wrap things up, probably longer. Soon, though. I can’t wait to be free.

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